Green Beans and Thneeds, round two

BUT WITH GENTLEMAN ONCELER NOW

Because if swag onceler gets one, then so does he.

  • Swag Onceler = S
  • Gentlemen Onceler = G
  • Swag Oncie’s Momma = M

Click “read more” to actually read it

—-

S:

I am Swag

I am Swag

Swag I am

G:

Why hello there, Swag

Swag-I-Am

You certainly make an entrance with a bang

S:

Would you eat my green beans?

G:

I would not eat them, Swag you see.

for though I do not mind green beans at all,

it is time for my afternoon tea.

And tea does not go well with green beans.

S:


But you have to eat them,

before my mom sees!

She thinks I’m in my room,

fast asleep!

If she saw me here,

she would kill me.

G:

I would not eat them here or there

I would not eat them anywhere

I would not eat them, now or ever,

for if your mother gave them to you,

you should eat them,

no complaints whatsoever.

S:


Oh, I get it

Now I can tell!

You too hate them,

just as well.

But surely this can’t be

such a hard sell.

Why not eat them in a house?

How about with a mouse?

G:

If with not tea I would have them,

Why in my house would I have them?

And I think all will agree,

that mice much prefer cheese.

I will not eat them in a house.

I will not eat them with a mouse.

I will not eat them here or there

and I will not eat them anywhere.

I will not eat your green beans.

Your mother put love into cooking them, you see.

You should eat them

only you

You should eat them

You’ll like them too.

S:


But I hate them!

I loathe them!

Evil in its purest form!

Like an eldritch abomination!

To me, they are to be scorned!

If you eat them in a box,

they send you into shocks!

If you eat them with a fox,

then you’ll get the pox!

I will not eat them!

I hate them, I hate them!

I will not eat them!

They give lobotomies!

They cut off your brain stem!

G:


Swag, now listen

listen here

how will saying that make me eat them

You certainly are acting

as if someone has cut off your brain stem.

Be a gentleman for once

like me!

Make your mother proud,

instead of screaming like a banshee.

S:


Hey!

Don’t put this all on me!

You eat them!

They’re yours now, see?

Eat them!

Eat them!

Here they are!

I would not,

could not,

not even in a car.

G:


You may like them,

you will see.

Try eating them with fruit

from a truffulla tree.

S:


Why would I do that?

Eat vegetables with fruits?

Sounds nasty,

It might ruin my suit.

G:


Oh Swag,

Don’t act that way,

it’s not very attractive to women

I would say.

Maybe you would eat them

if I told you they tasted like mint?

I do hope you…

catch my drift.

S:


You lie!

They don’t taste like mint!

The flavour of mint is swag as fuck!

The flavour of green beans

is like nothing but muck!

Muck that came from a garbage truck!

I would not eat them in a box!

I would not eat them with a fox!

I would not eat them in a house!

I would not eat them with a mouse!

I would not eat them here or there!

I would not eat them anywhere!

They’re nothing like mints!

Catch THAT drift!

G:


No need to shout

No need to yell

No need to pout

No need to dwell

on how you hate

your mothers cooking

Its not me who will break her heart

with all that screaming.

S:


DON’T BRING MY MOTHER INTO THIS

AND STOP SMIRKING

YOU’RE FULL OF YOURSELF

AND NOTHING ELSE.

YOUR STUPID ACT

ISN’T WORKING!

G:


You need to calm down

and eat your green beans,

before your mother comes around.

S:

WHY DO I HAVE

TO KEEP REPEATING MYSELF.

I COULD NOT, WOULD NOT,

ON A BOAT!

DOING THAT

WOULD BLOAT MY THROAT!

I WILL NOT EAT THEM IN THE RAIN!

DOING SO WOULD GIVE ME AIDS!

NOT IN A BOX!

NOT WITH A FOX!

NOT IN A HOUSE!

NOT WITH A MOUSE!

I DO NOT LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE!

I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE!

I DO NOT LIKE GREEN BEANS!

NOT EVEN WITH THNEEDS!

AND NO ONE WILL EVER FORCE THEM DOWN ON ME!

G:


You do not like them

SO you say

Try them and you may, I say.

S:


I SAID I WON’T TRY THEM!

CAN’T YOU HEAR?!

GREEN BEANS KILL PUPPIES AND KITTENS

EVERY YEAR!

M:


ONCIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE OF YOUR ROOM?!

DO I NEED TO SPANK YOU WITH A BROOM?!

S:


MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

G:


She always comes at three

to drink tea with me.

That’s why I said you should go

before she showed.

But you never listen.

And with anger,

she does glisten.

M:


GO BACK HOME

AND STAY IN YOUR ROOM!

YOUR GROUNDED UNTIL THE DAY

THAT PIGS CAN FLY TO THE MOON!

S:


BUT MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM -

M:


Oh, and Gentleman dear, I brought you green beans.

G:


Ah, my favorite!

I do enjoy them with my tea.

You didn’t have to,

that was very sweet.

S:


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!



—-The End—-

  1. howdespairinducing reblogged this from midnightsdarkangel
  2. midnightsdarkangel reblogged this from swaggermimint
  3. magicconchshelly reblogged this from plutonis
  4. satellite-minded reblogged this from swaggermimint
  5. all-american-oncest reblogged this from ask-classy-onceler
  6. kisaxiii reblogged this from swaggermimint
  7. ask-classy-onceler reblogged this from swaggermimint and added:
    Applause.
  8. askgentlemanonceler reblogged this from swaggermimint and added:
    Oh the accuracy.
  9. casuallyakward reblogged this from triggeringbiggering
  10. themagicaltunaa reblogged this from swaggermimint
  11. theprinceofdick reblogged this from triggeringbiggering
  12. bunni-bun reblogged this from swaggermimint and added:
    utter perfection, especially towards the end.